Content warning: death of a loved one
2021 began with the death of my twenty-seven-year old daughter, Emily.
Emily died on January 1st as a result of complications from her 2019 heart transplant. I can already see a transformation in my textile artwork directly related to grief, mourning, + navigating a new trajectory. Emily was a brilliant writer + she will continue to show up in my artwork, as will my son, Evan + my husband, Gary.
Family is the reason for my maker career. I needed work that would afford me the time to drop everything to be in hospital with Emily, or on a school field trip with Evan, + be portable + meaningful. Family will always be woven into my artwork.
Emily’s fearless writing influences my artwork with words embroidered on upcycled clothing + reclaimed books for button making.
Her Voice
I am dyslexic. Math is my preferred mode of communication. Reading + writing can be mentally painful at times. Half the time I can read + write on an “average” level; the other half of the time I can barely type a sentence. Or I reread the same paragraph three times + have three different comprehensions.
Emily, on the other hand, was a brilliant writer. Her first published article was for Erica Ehm’s “Yummy Mummy Club.” Emily wrote about the dangers of the “Twilight” novel series in an article titled, “Abusive Is The New Sexy.” Emily was seventeen years old + way ahead of her time.
Being a December baby, Emily was usually the youngest in her class, including her first post-secondary experience at the University of Toronto when she was seventeen . She made it through eighteen months of university before she entered the hospital again, postponing her education as she often had to do.
In 2018, Emily was accepted into the inaugural Honours Bachelor of Creative Writing + Publishing program at Sheridan College. Within months, she had a short story published in Alchemy, an online Sheridan College publication.
Her voice, firsthand, would have been spectacular + inspiring + really loud. Good thing I won’t let her voice be silenced.
Mathematics + Nature
There will always be a “before Emily died” + “after Emily died” divide in my artwork. I see that clearly.
Before Emily died, my artwork was influenced by mathematics + nature.
The brain is a powerful device. Being dyslexic meant my mind had to seek out ways to translate my thoughts other than in writing. Art + math provided positive reinforcement in “grade-school” Sandra, so those were my means of communication. Early on, I typed the plus sign instead of the word— “+” as a tribute to girls who love math. [Ed. note: We made an exception to our style to preserve the writer’s deliberate selection.]
Knitting a Fibonacci sequence, crocheting a hyperbolic plane, or designing a fractal weave filled my creative time + energy. When I was first introduced to the logical Fibonacci numbers, I saw art. Fractals in nature quite frankly blew my mind. The rationale of science + numbers made perfect sense in my artistic mind. When an Ohio State University math professor commissioned me to crochet a hyperbolic plane for her class, I knew that math + creativity = a unique business opportunity + something I could do from anywhere in the world—especially sitting by Emily’s hospital bed.
I learned very early that I earned more money writing knitting + crochet patterns than I did selling the finished product. This was another exciting way to incorporate math into my creative business.
Nature became a huge influence after we bought an off-the-grid cabin in the woods near Algonquin Park in 2010. Off-the-grid means that we don’t use municipal water or electricity. Instead we have solar panels + bring in our own water. I once had a psychologist tell me that I love the cabin in the woods because it provided me with the primal survival skills that I understood so well throughout my life.
Craft + Activism = Craftivism
“After Emily died,” my artwork elevated the importance of craftivism in my work.
I had been a craftivist years before I first heard the term, I just didn’t know it. “After Emily died,” I found a primal connection to her, as a wordsmith, through craftivism. Emily would have been a loud + influential voice for #MeToo and #LGBT, because she lived it.
I will carry on Emily’s voice in my voice.
All images courtesty Sandra Clarke.